Dear Abby: I recently found out that for the past seven years – or more – my husband has been lying to avoid conflict. What he lied about upsets me a lot, but knowing that he lied about these things makes it worse than finding out the truth the moment things happened.
The lies are about his relationships with his “friends”. She has always had a wandering look. She lied so many times that I wonder what else she lied that I don’t know. I find out because she tells herself without realizing what she said.
Now I am questioning our whole life together. We’ve been together for 31 years and I think our entire marriage was built on her lies. When I face him about it, she says she “never said that”, but she did. How Do I Live With A Liar Spouse?
He lied in Georgia
Dear lied to: Solid marriages are built on trust. Unfortunately, yours is lacking in that department. Your first task is to determine if you WANT to stay married to a lying husband, who tries to inflame you by denying that he said something you clearly heard. It would be in your best interest to schedule a few sessions with a licensed counselor who can help you gain enough emotional strength to make that decision rationally rather than emotionally. If you decide to end your marriage, talk to an attorney BEFORE informing your husband so he can guide you through the process.
Dear Abby: I am the eldest of four children. I am closer to my younger sister, “Louanne”. I have not been in a relationship with the other sister, “Emily”, in nearly 10 years. I have tried to contact me a few times and have been rejected or received cold replies. My feelings for Emily have gone numb.
Emily is now having mental problems and Louanne, who is in a relationship with her, helps her almost to the extreme. She is now talking about moving Emily from South Carolina to New Jersey and she wants my help to organize it. Up until two weeks ago, Emily was living alone as she had done for many years. She’s been through ups and downs, but Louanne treats him like Emily can’t take care of herself anymore.
I can’t feel sorry for Emily and Louanne is mad at me because I don’t want to help her. She is destroying our relationship. I tried to explain my feelings to her, but she keeps reminding me that this is “family”, so I have to put my feelings aside. I feel torn and alone. Some advice?
Challenged in the East
Dear Challenged: It might be helpful to see it from a different perspective. Although you are distant from Emily, who you recognize as having mental problems, you are close to Louanne. If you hold onto your current position and refuse to help Louanne, the whole responsibility of relocating Emily will fall on her shoulders, and that’s a big load. You would do a good deed by helping Louanne with this burden that she has taken on and, if you look at it that way, it could make it easier for HER to take that responsibility.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.